Epiphany

The earth and it’s nature are kind and beautiful. They listen and do not judge. They do not gossip. They take care of us and provide nourishment. They forgive, even with how awful the human race is to them - and to each other. They are peaceful. And I need to see it. I need to get this urge to see the world out of my system. Maybe if I do that, I will finally find peace in a simple life and no longer feel restless. I could find peace in settling down. Or not. Maybe it will open more doors. I do not know. But how am I going to know if I'm too scared to try?

All I have ever consistently wanted from life is to travel and see the wonders of the world. To not be stuck where I have always been stuck. To experience and see for myself all of the beauty it has to offer. I want to hike mountains and canyons, I want to do (beginners)yoga at sunrise overlooking the ocean on a cliff. I want to sleep under the stars. 

I have always found ways to put it off as if it could never happen. How could I afford that? How will I have the time? Who could go with me? HOW? WHAT ABOUT? WHAT IF?
I have tried many things in life, I have made many mistakes, I have let many good opportunities pass me by because I was too afraid. After I gave up my chance to go to college for photography because I was too afraid, I decided to push it from my mind because “it was not meant to be” - and tried to find another passion.  But here I am, 7 years later, 4 “passions” tried and tossed, with nothing to show but a desire;  a yearning for the same thing I tried to tell myself I did not want or need.

To travel.  No real destination in mind. Just anywhere that I haven’t been. Everywhere.

And now I am coming up on my last day of 4 years at a decent paying, full-time job - because I was feeling restless. Because I needed more. Because I need to stop living afraid and see something through for once. Something that will make me feel alive, and not like I’m just existing or working to live.

Ever since I put in my 2 weeks notice, I have been day dreaming about doing something insane and spontaneous, something that will go down in the books, something that will be a crazy and inspiring story to tell some day. A road trip across the United States. No real destination. Just a desire to see the natural wonders of America. I daydream of packing a cooler with sandwiches and bottled coffee. I daydream of all of the varieties of music playlists I will make to keep me company. I daydream of pulling down my back seats and covering them with memory foam, sleeping in my car instead of a hotel every night. And for one single instance, the one millisecond before my anxiety finds a way to ruin everything, I feel excitement. I feel butterflies in my belly. I feel a deep desire for this insane idea of a journey.  And why not? I am in a unique situation. A blessed situation. The kind where my supportive husband who wants nothing more than to see me happy does well enough for us to get by while I do this. SO WHY THE HELL NOT? WHAT IS STOPPING ME?

Me.

That’s the other thing. My husband wants me to go. 

My husband and I connect on so many levels. We are soul mates. But one thing we do not have in common is adventure. Seeking thrills and adventure is not his cup of tea. And as much as we’d both like to be able to experience this together - we just don’t think that it can happen that way.  Someone would need to be here to take care of our home and fur kids. He is afraid he would slow me down, and doesn’t want me to wait until he gets into better shape to go. And he’s right. If I wait too long, I will talk myself out of it, if I haven’t already. 

So that means it would just be me, myself and I on this trip. And that’s what scares me the most. Especially as of lately. My mental health has been below average. I have thought things that I haven’t thought since my darkest times in high school. A place I have worked so hard to stay away from.  And it scares me. I am aware of the situation, and I try so hard to pull out of it, but it is hard. I am okay until I am alone. And my thoughts make me believe I deserve to be alone. That nobody wants to hear me complain or talk about my feelings. No one has time for my sorry ass. Why would they? Everyone would be better off without me.

And who wants to be alone, thousands of miles away from home, with someone like that? Would this trip be better or worse for my health? For my sanity and well being? Would it enlighten me, or worsen my depression?

It's so hard to think that someone like me, who has virtually never been alone, never ever been able to make a decision on my own - traveling by myself, making decisions about where I am going to go, decide whether or not I'll be safe, how to save the most money, to know when a trail is dangerous or when I need to turn back. I'm scared that if I fall and break my ankle while hiking, no one will know. And from what I have seen in pictures, the central Florida trails that I have done are a piece of cake in comparison. I'm nervous financially. I don't know what to expect. I'm scared of messing up. But sometimes, I don't care. You make mistakes. You screw up in life. But how much worse would it be to never chase my dreams or at least try? To die unfulfilled?