The Ugly Face of Anxiety

Today is Sunday and I'm at the beach with two of my best friends. They are beautiful and the beach is beautiful and everything is good. And yet I feel off balance and distracted. I'm not sure if it's because of this stupid ear infection I've been fighting, but I am exhausted. I keep asking myself "What more do you want?"

I have it good. Beautiful friends, a lovely, caring and giving husband, a cozy home, and a warm family. I have every opportunity to make my life what I want, which I am working on, so why do I feel so down lately? Why do I have to keep reminding myself to be happy? The mind is a funny thing, isn’t it? How is it that one day you can be completely motivated and driven to make things happen - whether it is to do the deep clean your house desperately needs, or it is taking steps towards making your dreams come true - and then another day you wake up and you barely have the motivation to get out of bed? It’s crazy that a stomach ache and a lack of sleep, as well as an earache, can make all of those things you wanted seem so far away, therefore having so much less enthusiasm and desire to see them through. It feels like “Why bother?”

How do you completely devote yourself to a single passion, when there are so many other things going on around you? How do you find the time to eat right and exercise, keep up a clean house, take care of you and your family, have a social life, get a good nights sleep - and chase your dreams? It doesn’t help that I chose a really hard dream to chase…
Things are so hectic right now. I miss that time a few weeks ago where I felt invincible and unstoppable. I felt like I could conquer anything that came my way. Living with an anxious brain is so hard because it seems like the harder I try to overcome it and breakthrough my doubts, the harder it knocks me out and exhausts me afterward. I wish I could turn it off. I wish for just one day, I could live without anxiety and doubt. 

My trip to the west was about being unafraid and conquering my anxieties. And I did it! I was fearless and powerful. As much as I wanted to come home a brand new woman who was tough and ready to take on the world, it wasn't as permanent as I was hoping for. 
I realized I wanted to live unafraid when I was at the beach two months ago while sitting alone in the sand and watching the sunrise. Here I am two months later, sitting up in the sand, contemplating life while watching my dear friends soaking up the sun and waves, realizing that my next journey should be finding an inner happiness that will hopefully be more permanent. I hate that I have all I could want and still sometimes feel empty. I have to remember and heed my own advice- that everything is mental. We control our universe. We control our happiness. Unfortunately, some days will be much, much harder to control. But it is possible. Nothing worth having comes easy. 

This post is as all over the place and unorganized as my brain is at the moment. It’s okay. Things can’t be perfect and good all of the time. 








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