It Started With the Dishes

My husband and I got into a fight this week. We do not fight often anymore; we have been together for eleven years and have a pretty good idea of how to properly communicate with each other. But when we do fight, it's usually outside forces that mask themselves as issues with each other in order to have an outlet.

It started with the dishes. It became about how we are both trying to do so many things outside of our relationship that we are forgetting each other. It became about how life hasn't gone the way we planned the last few months, and how overwhelming it has been. That's life. But we unknowingly haven't really had each other through it all, thus creating a feeling of loneliness. Hours of yelling and saying things we didn't mean and cold shoulders led to an exhausted talk of how we need to be more present for each other. So I figured if I was mad about not having him to talk to lately and he was finally ready to listen, I should probably tell him everything that I have been feeling. I reluctantly showed him what I called my secret blog. The notes in my phone filled with feelings that I have in which I write down because I am too afraid and ashamed to say them to anyone. Basically like a diary. And after he finished reading it, he said "This shouldn't be a secret. This is what I imagine when I think of Samwise the Anxious." 

And he is right. I have become a sugar coater and have tried to make things look and sound as pleasant and perfect as possible. I have been measuring my “success” by how many people read my blog or like a post. I thought that nobody wants to read about my irrational insecurities. The best way to get more of an audience is to write about exciting adventures. 

But I have been lying to myself. My whole reason for starting this was to create awareness about the struggles we face with anxiety; a disorder that affects over three million people each year, yet it is rarely acknowledged and is commonly seen as a weakness. And yes, maybe it is my weakness, but it doesn't make me who I am, despite what I might think some days. My weakness is often also my strength. I aspire to give other anxiety warriors hope and to be a symbol of strength to those struggling with the same or similar insecurities and anxieties as I face too often. 

I was afraid to say these things out loud or publicly because I was afraid it would make them real. But guess what? They are real. Guess what else? They are not permanent. You release yourself from your own chains when you speak up. I have many days where I have so much energy, hope, motivation and confidence for making my life what I dream it to be. I also have just as many days where I feel alone and trapped like I am in a steep well surrounded by darkness with no way out, with the light so far away. One thing that I do know, and I need to remind myself constantly, is that the darkness will not subside if I keep it to myself. 

These are my struggles. 

“I feel like I have an old, tired soul. Sometimes I am tired of the human race. I just want to find peace and solace among nature. 

Ever since I had a taste of the mountains back in May, it is all I can think about. I thought conquering a journey across the states to hike canyons and mountains would make me a better, stronger person. But I think it has made me worse. I am obsessed. It's all I ever think about. The word "mountains" repeats in my head a thousand times a day. While everyone else is arguing about basic human rights and the weary dealings of man, I am daydreaming of majestic mountains. Why? Why am I so obsessed? Why can't I move on? 

Because in the mountains I am someone else. I am someone who is at peace, and that is someone I haven't been in 15 years. I have become addicted to the feelings of solace and strength. I spend day in and day out worrying about every little thing - about what isn't right and what could go wrong. I spend many days wishing I could just be someone else. Someone who has it together and who isn't afraid of anything. That's who I am in the presence of mountains. I am who I want to be. Who I didn't know I could be. 

I try to be at peace here and be grateful for life as it is. I have a very blessed life. But it is hard to quiet an anxious brain. It is hard trying to just be "ok" when I know I could be great somewhere else, and believe me I am trying every day to find things to love about where I am now. It's a constant back and forth battle. My soul has always wished to be somewhere it is not. But how could I not feel amazing surrounded by something so powerful that reminds us that we are so small, and so are our problems?” 

I am aware that these thoughts and feelings are somewhat drastic and very irrational. I am on a lifelong quest to learn patience and to trust in myself and know that someday I can have those feelings and those surroundings whenever I want. I have fought many battles like this, and I will fight many more. But the important thing is no matter how bad it gets, I keep fighting. And I hope this inspires anyone else who is struggling like me. We are not alone, no matter how lonely it may feel sometimes. Life is not perfect, but we have the choice to make it the best that we can. As long as we stay strong and keep fighting. Some of us have to fight harder than others, and that's okay. Our fights and hardships make us stronger. 

If you are reading this and you are ever struggling and need someone to just hear you, without judgement and without trying to tell you how to live your life or what you should or shouldn't do, I am always available and will always do my best to make sure you know you are not alone. I know that the mind is a tricky thing and can make us feel or think things that aren't real, and I know that all it takes is to talk to someone about it to keep those insecurities and anxieties at bay.