Cheers to the New Year

I am terrible at balance. I have spent a majority of the last week or two wondering if I still have what it takes to keep up with my aspirations and dreams of becoming a successful blogger and photographer who travels full time while inspiring the masses. 2017 was my year to focus on myself and what I want out of life. Unfortunately, all of that has gotten a little blurred with the holidays. It’s hard to think about yourself when you want to shower everyone you care about with lovely gifts. 

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not beating myself up, not like I would have a year ago. I understand that the holidays are hectic for everyone. But I keep thinking “How does everyone else do it?” And that is one of my problems. I need to remember to stop comparing myself to others, and just enjoy the experience. Will I become successful in chasing my professional dreams? Maybe. Maybe not. But what matters is whether or not I try. Part of me thinks that after this year, I will lose my motivation to write and share because it takes up so much of my energy worrying about how many reads, follows or likes a post will get. That part of me thinks that I should take a break from focusing on writing and sharing so that I can fully enjoy the benefits of my experiences and adventures myself. It’s hard to say how I will feel about it 6 months from now, much less in 8 days when the New Year arrives. 

Some days, I am excited and hopeful for the year to come. I can’t wait to take what I learned this year and capitalize on it in 2018. This year I realized I could do things I never thought possible. Now I’m thinking about rock climbing, meditating, and exploring AirBnB or workaway programs. Other days I find myself sick to my stomach with anxiety about the upcoming year. How do I make sure not to lose sight of my goals while keeping up with my responsibilities? How do I even top what I accomplished this year? I know myself. I have let a lot of passions and ideas fade away because I get discouraged or things get hard. How do I find what my true passion and goal in life is and achieve it, when I am so overly passionate about everything? 

I don’t know. I don’t know anything about the future. All I know is 2017 was a gift. The lengths I went to and the things I overcame have helped me grow into a fraction of the person I dream of being. I still have a lot of work to do. I still wake up at 4am having panic attacks about things that aren’t real. I still have days where I can’t function as a normal human being until my home is spotless. I still have copious amounts of social anxiety in shopping malls or the gym.  BUT I have found ways to work around some of these things, and I will continue to try to do whatever it takes. I will continue to try new things that terrify me. I will try new things that sound goofy and unbelievable. Now that I have seen a glimpse of what I am capable of, I will continue to strive to be the best, unapologetic version of me.