A Road Trip Across the US part 2

We caught the sunrise over the canyon before packing up and heading to Utah. It was breathtaking. Everything was so still, like the world had stopped. If only it really did, so we could have had that moment for just a little longer. But life goes on, and we started our trek to Utah very tired, but very enlightened. 
We arrived at our hotel in Springdale early in the afternoon, desperate for a shower and some down time to relax and recoup.

The next morning, I'm eating breakfast solo at this hotel restaurant with a beautiful view of the massive Mount Zion, and I'm trying not to cry because I have literally made (one of) my dreams come true. I am that person I've always said I wanted to be. Like Julia Roberts in Eat, Pray, Love. That person who comes to a point in their life where they don't know who they are anymore, lost in the ambiguity of living the life they think is expected of them; who then decides to pack up and travel without thinking or hesitation. Within two weeks I was across the country camping in the Grand Canyon and hiking the Mighty Mount Zion. I have conquered so many of my fears and anxieties and there are more to come. But I am so proud of myself. I can't believe what I have accomplished so far.

I had total anxiety about eating breakfast in a restaurant alone. In fact, I had a panic attack in the bathroom before I left. Knowing I had to eat alone. Hike alone. I hate being alone because it feels like there's no one to distract me from my fears and anxieties and doubts. Just me myself and I. I was afraid I would talk myself out of it all. That I'd find some reason to go back. But, I let myself cry it out for a minute and then I sucked it up and walked out that door and I didn't look back. 
Then, while I'm sitting at my table for one, feeling self conscious and scared,  I look up and realize there's a girl at the table next to me eating alone too. And I realized I'm not alone. That people do stuff alone sometimes! And it's okay! And I wondered why she's alone, what she's doing here, if she's anything like me.

I love signs. They are comforting and make me believe that what I'm doing is the right thing. Especially when it comes to the radio. They are playing The Head and The Heart in this restaurant.

While waiting in line for the shuttle to take me into the park, a nice older man struck up conversation with me. We talked about where we're from, we talked about travel and the effects of altitude. I explained that my poor friend is stuck at the hotel sick from it. Then his nice family came over and we talked about Ireland and all of the places they have traveled. 

I sat next to a nice young guy from California on the shuttle. He was with his two friends who were sitting in front of us. I asked them what they were doing for the day. They said Angel's Landing and the Narrows (two of the more difficult hikes in Mount Zion.) I told them that's what I came for but I was afraid to go alone. At this point, I was still undecided on what trail to do (there's about five total) and I was leaning towards the Emerald Pools - an easier two hour hike. But after thinking about it and talking with the boys from California, I decided hell, I came this far, who cares if I'm alone? I might as well try it, and if I can't finish it then I can't finish it, but at least I could say I tried. So it was decided. I was going to attempt Angel's Landing.

At the beginning, I was nervous but hopeful. It was hot and it started out a little steep, but I kept reminding myself "I've trained for this", and reminded myself to take my time and to take breaks when ever possible. I often talked to the other people who were also resting in the shaded spots. We would talk about how we're doing so far and how far we have left. We all ended up rooting each other on at one point or another later on. Getting further and further up, I couldn't stop smiling. I wanted to high five everyone I passed because I was just so thrilled for myself and for them! (I didn't but I thought about it a lot haha). I just felt so in my element again, climbing miles up a mountain! Taking shade when I could every couple of switchbacks. Helping families take photos and laughing with them. Even though I was doing this alone, I very rarely felt alone. I felt strong. There were people who were turning around and that's okay, but I kept going. I reached a point I guess about two miles up and thought I was almost to the top. A guy was telling me how he started the scouts lookout point where you walk along the edge with the chains but he turned around because it was too hard. And though I was nervous, I pushed on. It was scary. The cliff was slippery with sand, I felt like any wrong move and my clumsy ass would fall off the cliff and die. A woman was sitting at one of the poles holding the chains crying because she couldn't continue and she felt like she was letting her son down. And I climbed passed her too. And just when I think I have accomplished the angel's landing, I realize there is still half a mile of sketchy, straight up climbing to the actual top of angel's landing. At this point, I have already been hiking for two hours in 100 degree weather, I'm running low on water, my legs are a little wobbly and I'm a little woozy. I still have to climb two miles back down. I sat with another girl for a good half an hour, trying so hard to convince myself that I could keep going. I wanted to finish so bad. The girl asked me why I wanted to go to the top so bad, and I couldn't really come up with a good answer. I mostly just wanted to be able to prove to myself that I could, because I'm tired of saying "I can't" in life. I explained that I've been on a journey to find myself and defeat my anxieties. And she explained that she too struggles with anxiety, but she also knows her limits and where to draw the line, and that reaching the point we were at was good enough for her. And as much as I wanted to push myself to go on, I knew in my heart that it wasn't because I was too scared that I wasn't doing it, it was because I knew that I had reached my limit. It would be too much of a risk to keep going. I had to face it - I'm out of shape. I've only been working out for two months, I have only actually trained for this hike for a week, and only ever hiked flat land Florida trails. This was a trail for an expert, and I am not that yet. 

I still have so much to be proud of. I can't forget how terrified I was to drive all the way across the country, to camp overnight in the Grand Canyon, to hike alone along the rim of the canyon for pictures, to dine alone in a restaurant, to venture off into Zion alone and attempt to hike a strenuous trail. I tried, and I made it pretty far. And that's enough for me. I am a new person. I am traveled. I have seen great wonders of the United States. Because I wanted to. And now that I know what I am capable of, I can accomplish so much more in the future. 

A few things I thought of for anyone thinking of doing Angel's Landing:

-start early: account for time you will take for breakfast and also the time it takes to get through the shuttle line. I waited in line for at least a half an hour. I left the hotel at 8:00am and with breakfast and shuttle time, I didn't start my hike until 10:30. I would have liked to start much earlier. It gets very hot. 

-break often. Don't push yourself. Take your time. It's not a race. Enjoy the company of people around you.

-if you have a camera, bring it. Stopping to take pictures will allow you time to break and to distract you from thinking of your heart rate or how tired you feel. It will allow time for your heart rate to get back to normal and to feel good to continue on.

Later in the evening, I was shopping in the hotel gift shop to find little knick nacks or souveniers for my family. "Shine" by collective soul came on the radio. That song is old and rarely heard on the radio, at least where I'm from. It is very important to me because I've always considered it "my dad's song". As far as I can remember, he introduced it to me. So now when I hear it I always like to think that it's my dad speaking to me because it usually happens when I need it the most. I'm taking it as him telling me that he's proud of me, and that he's thinking of mom and Jen also.

The next morning, I woke up too many hours early and couldn't get back to sleep. I had a little anxiety about leaving. What am I going to do when I get back? Did this trip fix me? Am I going to be happy and strong when I get home? Or am I just going to yearn for more experience and new landscapes? I let myself wallow for a bit in the shower and then snapped out of it. I am capable of anything. I just road tripped  across the country. I climbed mountains. I will climb more. And I can do anything I put my mind to when I get home. There is no reason to be sad about leaving this place because there will be more adventures, because I say so.