Ireland Part 4: Anxiety Doesn't Care Where You Are

My husband wanted to venture out into town for breakfast instead of eating at the hotel. To most, that would not be a big deal. But I have been known to be described as a bear, or even a dragon in the morning, especially before breakfast. I liked staying at the hotel for breakfast because it was free, quick, had great coffee and a view, and a decent selection of hot and cold meals. My husband wasn’t as easily impressed though. So I agreed to go out for breakfast as long as he looked up a restaurant first, that way we knew where we were going and didn’t spend all morning running around and I would be less likely to get cranky, since trying to find a parking spot already had been known to take a while.  He picked a restaurant and we made our way into town. 



As I predicted, finding parking was hell. We ended up in this little one way, dead ended alley that proved to be "fun" getting out of later. We wandered around the crowded allies looking for this place. Finally we found it, and it was closed. We weren't aware that it opened later in the afternoon. And we were hungry now. Obviously annoyed, we make our way around looking for another breakfast place. Every restaurant we find is just a pub or a bar. Finally I pull out my phone and GPS the nearest coffee shop and lead us there. He stands outside to smoke a cigarette while I go in and take a look at the menu, which really only offered muffins and cakes. Neither one of us were really into it, but I was starving by now, as over an hour has passed of us trying to find a place to eat, and I decided to settle and pick something here. We get in line to order and at the last second I see a prepackaged ham and cheese croissant and order that with a cappuccino. My husband just ordered a coffee, and this frustrated me because I didn’t want us to go through all of the hassle to find breakfast, just for him to get a coffee. 

Both of us were tired and cold and hungry, and needless to say, we end up getting into a fight after we sat down and I ate my croissant and sipped my terrible cappuccino in silence. I don’t remember what was said, and honestly never planned on talking about this day. But it came down to me needing to realize that not everyone is as reliant on eating in order to start their day. I get sick and woozy if I don’t eat after a certain amount of time, even at any time of the day sometimes, and apparently he doesn’t. I wanted him to understand how hard it is on me to control my feelings physically and emotionally on an empty stomach among other personal issues, and he wanted me to understand that it’s not that big of a deal for him to eat right away and that I need to be more patient and appreciative of him being patient with me and my special needs. 

We didn’t come to this understanding right away, and yelled in the car as we tried to get out of the alleyway and head back to the hotel. I told him I just wanted to go back. I ended up having a bit of a panic attack because it was hard dealing with these negative feelings and situations so far away from home and out of my comfort zone. All I wanted was to enjoy my vacation to my favorite place, to really take in and appreciate this opportunity to be here, and instead I was fighting about breakfast. I was mad at myself for ruining such opportunities with trivial things that would be so silly in any other situation. This roller coaster of anger with myself spiraled into me taking it out on him. We got back to the hotel and I went across the street straight to the mountain viewpoint. He didn’t follow me, which is what I wanted. I needed to be alone and sort through my thoughts. I assumed he went up to the room. I was lucky that the spot wasn’t crowded at this time, there was only two other people there and they were far away enough to not notice my puffy face and teary eyes. I just sat on the bench and looked at the mountains. 
Not too long after I got there, the two ladies left and I had the place to myself. Thank god, because I needed a good cry. “What is wrong with me?” I kept asking myself. How can I be feeling like this in the my favorite place? A place that I've been dying to get back to because it made me so happy?



After a long, obnoxious cry session, I felt peace. Everything was silent, except the wind blowing off of the lake. There is something about being in the presence of mountains that make you and your problems feel so small. In all honesty, I was being too hard on both of us. I still feel guilty and ashamed about the whole thing. It was only after him and a friend of mine reminded me that this is just real life, not every trip is going to be perfect. There’s no such thing as perfect. I am only human and I need to forgive myself and cut myself some slack. I need to allow myself to make mistakes and not come down on myself so hard. At the time, I finally came to my senses and realized, yes, I messed up, I could have and should have handled the whole situation much differently, but I didn’t. All I could do now was try to start this day over and enjoy the time we had left. As much as I wanted to sit there and stare into the mountains forever, I mustered up the courage to go back to the hotel and talk this through with my husband. With my head clear and some time to think, we were able to talk for a while and discuss what happened and come to a place of understanding. We decided to move on with the day and find some lunch.
I was craving shepherd’s pie, so my husband did a little research and found a pub in town called Cronin’s that served some. After we ordered, we talked over what we might want to do for the rest of the day. The shepherd’s pie was to die for, even better than the one I had when we were in Bunratty last year (though this is not to say that the one in Bunratty wasn’t good!) It made me chuckle that a meat and mashed potato dish came with a side of french fries, but I was on vacation so I wasn’t going to complain. 

One of the things David knew he wanted to do while we were in Ireland was “to see an Irish movie.” So after lunch, we walked around the shops in Killarney to digest and do a little souvenir shopping, headed back to the hotel to let our phones charge, and decided to go out of town for a movie. A theater about 30 minutes away in Tralee had really good reviews. 

Once we got there, we still had a few hours to kill before our showing, so we parked and walked around downtown Tralee. There was a few streets blocked off for some kind of farmers market. There was a young girl playing a flute while her little brother did a jig for coins. It was kind of a magical little town. We grabbed a quick bite to eat and headed over to the theater. 
Our Irish theater experience was a tiny bit different than what we are used to. We ordered our movie tickets at the concession stand, and when we did, a map of the theater our film was playing in came up on a screen, and it shows the seats that are already taken, and we got to pick out the seats we wanted to sit in. Our popcorn had a lot less butter and salt on it than you find in our theaters at home, but it was still tasty. We saw the Gunslinger movie, which we both enjoyed.
It wasn’t the most adventurous day ever, and though we had a rocky start, it was still a really nice day, and I’m thankful for it.

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